JUSTICE FOR ALL:
FINDING THE BALANCE BETWEEN SELFISH AND SELFLESS
By Jessica Peyton Roberts of Aim High Writing
This is the first in a four part series about my self-improvement project on cultivating increased Wisdom. You can read more about the experiment here.
Prior to this experiment, I thought justice referred to the righting of wrongs, or helping others. Giving others what they are due. Which, you know, sounds vaguely condemning and negative, especially in the context of the modern legal system (justice is served!). But justice is actually an inherently positive virtue, asking people to respect the rights of others.
And it turns out that sometimes, in order to be conscientious and sensitive to another’s needs, we have to be tuned into our own needs. Accordingly, justice is in part about striking that incredibly delicate balance between selfishness and selflessness.
Source
SELF-CARE TO CARE FOR OTHERS
Givers are preoccupied with making others feel comfortable, happy, safe, or assisted.
Takers are concerned (consciously or not) with making demands of others and having those demands met.
Neither is better or worse. Consider that a baby or small child is the quintessential Taker – it’s understood that they are looking out for number one, crying when hungry, scared, in pain, or needing a diaper change. Babies are self-centered, but they aren’t selfish monsters.
Givers, meanwhile, sometimes actively look for someone to help. They aren’t put upon or being taken advantage of; givers are compelled to apply their energy towards others.
Which one are you – a Giver or a Taker?
It’s tricky, isn’t it?
Sometimes we are Givers with one person, and Takers with another. Or we are Takers when ill, emotionally drained, or overwhelmed, but once we regain our footing, we resume acting as Givers.
Accordingly, this week I decided to focus on how both giving and taking are part of the natural flow of justice between persons, and we can rightly play both roles. This required me to be equal parts selfish and selfless.
I challenged myself to do three nice gestures for others and three acts of self-care for myself. You might be surprised to learn which was more difficult.
SELFLESS ACTS
Let’s start with the three selfless acts. The parameters I set for myself were:
The act had to measurably increase someone’s comfort, but they did not have to acknowledge my role or what I was doing for them.
The act had to focus on the other person’s needs, rather than how it might mutually benefit us.
The act had to be something I felt especially called to perform.
The first opportunity I had was upon learning a business acquaintance of mine had taken in a foster child, a young girl. I am childless, but not by choice, and while I hope that changes in the future, I felt compelled to reach out someone else’s daughter for now. With my friend’s permission, I ordered and sent a box of brand new clothes for the little girl. I didn’t worry about the girl knowing who they came from, or getting to see her face when she opened them. My friend wrote to tell me that her foster daughter was delighted, but I felt separated enough from the act that it remained completely about the girl.
The second act I felt like I needed to do was donate to a pitbull rescue. I might have watched Pitbulls and Parolees for the first time a while ago, decided we needed a pit bull, informed my husband of this need, and let it go when he rightly pointed out, “Um. That angelic pit bull might eat your cats.” Instead, I donated online to a Seattle-based organization, Bullseye Dog Rescue. Not the same, of course, but as close as I was going to get for now.
Source
Finally, my husband’s work schedule orchestrated circumstances so it was quite clear what my third act should be. After working a string of five 13-hour overnight shifts in a row, he finally had a day off. I waited for him to get home by making a fresh bed, changing the pillowcases. When he arrived home I sent him straight to bed, tucking him in, and instructing him to sleep as long as he wanted. In the late afternoon, I went in to read next to him as he slept. Then I made us an actual sit-down dinner, washed all the dishes (which he usually does), and then told him to go enjoy some free time. Then we watched a movie – something I don’t usually suggest because, ugh, sitting for two hours, end already! – before moving to the family room to hang out with the pets.
The best part was when, before we went to sleep that night, my husband said gratefully, “You’re the best. You made this whole day about me.” I didn’t go into the day needing him to notice, but he did, and that felt pretty great.
SELFISH ACTS
Originally, I thought I’d really look forward to my three “selfish” acts; the idea was really to pursue three kinds of self-care over the week. These were my rules:
The act must be something I do not already routinely perform (i.e. don’t eat a piece of chocolate and declare, “Self-care!”).
The act may be selfish, but I can’t feel selfish for doing it.
The act has to improve my comfort in some measurable way.
First, I scheduled a deep-tissue massage. I know some ladies do nails and massages regularly, like another weekday errand. That’s not me. I’ve only had two massages in my life and the first was because my husband gave me a gift certificate to use. It is immensely difficult for me to justify the time and money to go pay a stranger to beat up my back because I think I should be at home working or saving that money for, I don’t know, groceries and gas. But I lift really heavy weights at least twice a week and nothing helps more than a stranger digging their elbow into your back and making you suppress all kinds of bad words. So I will have my third massage ever next week.
This past Friday, I went to have my hair done. Instead of scheduling the appointment for the afternoon, sandwiching it between morning and afternoon office hours, I made the appointment for 10 am and didn’t put anything down for after. It was such a luxury to be there and not feel that worry gnawing in my stomach about being late or what was next. For one day, I suspended the To-Do List, and found that when I did return to my office later that day, I was in an excellent, rested mood and able to concentrate on the task at hand.
Also, my haircut made me feel pretty, which was nice after a few weeks of disguising my split-ends with ponytails.
Third, I read. A lot. I’ve always been a voracious reader, but lately it seems like if my phone or computer is an option, I get sucked into Instagram or Facebook holes. The worst part is, these social media outlets give me a crippling case of Comparisonitis. I lust after someone’s spontaneous Caribbean vacation, or wish I looked as good as my friend does in long dresses, or that we were buying our first home, or that I had just won some big client. It’s not healthy; looking at things I don’t have too easily crowds out all the amazing things I do have. When I am just reading on the couch, with my husband next to me and our pets frolicking (or fighting…sometimes I can’t tell the difference), I am happy. I am content. I am good enough. I made it through three books this week, and will continue to choose reading over social media now that I see it for the self-care act it is for me.
WISDOM GAINED:
I was surprised by how uncomfortable self-care was. Even after giving myself permission to do three selfish acts, which, after all, were being balanced out by three selfless ones, it was still more difficult to force myself to call and schedule a massage, to just relax during my hair appointment, and to read purely for pleasure. That being said, the challenge put into focus why self-care is so essential. Everyone should get to be a Taker at some point, so that you have enough energy in the tank when someone needs you to be the Giver.
Source
As for the selfless acts, it was interesting to discover that, despite my rule of no act being intentionally mutually beneficial, I absolutely get something out of doing for others. I derived satisfaction from solving a particular problem or for recognizing an opportunity to enhance the comfort of another. So it’s true – there are probably no selfless acts, but that isn’t a bad thing.
I learned that I am more prepared to care to others when I include myself as a priority. And – here’s the Very Important Point – permission for taking self-care breaks has to come from you and you alone. You know best how you to look after yourself, so that you can keep being a Giver to others.
Next week I confront Temperance, practicing abstention and self-control. I suspect this will be the most challenging part of the experiment yet, as I attempt to curb my terrible habit of Worst Case Scenario-ing.
Catch up!
Introduction to the Experiment
Week 1: Practicing Prudence
Read more from Jessica on her blog Aim High Writing
[highlight1]ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
[one_half]
[/one_half] [one_half_last] Jessica Peyton Roberts is the Director of Aim High Writing, serving as an Applications Coach and Consultant to high-performing students and nonprofit organizations in developing the most competitive school, scholarship, and grant applications. Peyton Roberts posts free advice and resources for aspiring college and graduate students on her blog, Aim High. She enjoys powerlifting, cats, and spending time with her husband.[/one_half_last]
CONTACT INFO:
Email: [email protected]
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AimHighWritingServices
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AimHighPeyton
Google +: google.com/+JessicaPeytonofAimHighWriting
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/jessica-peyton-roberts/6a/139/621
Company Page: http://www.linkedin.com/company/aim-high-writing
[/highlight1]
