Momma is the heart of the home, the healer of the boo boos, and the one who makes everyone feel better. Being a mom is the BEST, like the absolute best, but it is also the absolute hardest thing I have ever been blessed with learning how to do. It’s physically demanding, emotionally demanding, and mentally demanding; if you’re not careful, you’ll get lost.
Momma Don’t Lose Yourself
Now, before you’re like, woah, that’s too deep for this blog of yours, let me explain. A little over a year ago, I found myself feeling lost. Lost in the sense that I was very much unlike the person I used to be. It probably happened gradually, but it felt like all of a sudden. Before being blessed with these babies of mine, I wasn’t much of a worrier. I worried about a few things here or there, but I wouldn’t consider myself a terribly anxious person. I was a fairly relaxed and easy going individual. Even early on as a new parent, I of course worried about things, but it wasn’t all I thought about. Then worry consumed me, I worried about every little thing, every single day. Are they sleeping enough? Is that show appropriate? Are they eating the right things? Am I doing this right? Wrong? Kinda sorta ok?!!!!!! What is that rash on their arm???? You learned what at school?! I worried about something daily. Sometimes trivial things, and sometimes bigger things like time. I’m no stranger to the fact that my babies will grow up, quicker than I’d like and some day I will miss these days spent with them. I found myself constantly worrying if I was present enough.
I had also made the decision somewhere near this time to stay home with my boys most of the time. I still worked, but only one day a week. Being a stay-at-home mom is both a blessing and a challenge. I love the time with my boys so much, and of course because of that fleeting time, I’m so glad I’m able to spend time with them, but I also started to become very isolated from adult interaction.
I found myself losing my sense of humor. I used to be kinda sorta funny. I loved to laugh, and loved to make other people laugh, but I had become so overwhelmed with worry and making sure I was checking off x,y,z of what I thought I was supposed to be doing as a mom, that I was losing that part of me. I found myself not having meaningful conversations anymore, or much to contribute. I was essentially folding in on myself, and letting anxiety and worry consume me. Then it happened, someone said they noticed. Someone said they thought I was depressed.
No, I wasn’t depressed, not in a clinical sense, but the statement alone made me realize I was spiraling. Although at the time I scoffed at the comment and even denied it, reality was I was losing myself, in this constant state of worry, which was not only bad for me, but bad for my boys. I let anxiety and loneliness consume me, and become me. I knew it was time to dig my way out. I started by getting back to who I was. In case you find yourself feeling the same way, I’ll tell you what helped me.
Social Media Breaks
This constant state of anxiety was coming from somewhere for me. It was guilt, worry, about my family, and about what defined my personal success. So I found the things that fed that negativity for me and let it go. First on my list, social media. I hate to say it, but social media had a lot to do with this negative spiral. There’s the comparison game, the parenting articles, the stories about terrible tragedies, the difference of opinions and things that make you second guess yourself. It’s addicting and time consuming, and if you’re not careful, you’ll miss the world around you. It’s also very hard to look away. You know it’s not good for you, but you just can’t stop. I forced myself to step away from the things that triggered a sense of anxiety for me. For me, it was Facebook. That’s where a lot of the parenting articles and posts about parenting reside for me, and I knew I needed to step away. I still use Facebook of course, but less and less for personal use. I still use social media for my blog, because well, that’s a necessary part of blogging.
Gaining Back My Productivity
I’ve always been a go getter. I was the type to dream big, excel in school and really push myself at work. I’ve always thrived on challenge and a feeling of accomplishment. Then when I started spending most of my time as a stay-at-home mom, I felt like I lost that part of me, that ambitious side. Although I was still working part time, I felt less and less needed there and almost like I just filled a space. I felt incredibly lonely, even at work, like the kid who didn’t fit in anymore. It’s one of those things, that for me, happened without me even noticing it. It’s like you know something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it. When I took a step back and looked I realized that it was only me who was making myself feel that way. My co-workers and boss still loved me and valued my work, but it was me who was letting myself slip. So, I made it a point to get back to my old focused self. I went to work with a new motivation, instead of just blending in and passing time, I took charge like I used to. My boss noticed, and I felt better and my ambitions were back. Then the ambition spilled over into my blog. I’ve been writing in this space for five years now, but around that time I was at the point of wanting to give it up. I decided to have a now or never kind of mentality with it, either give up, or give it your all; I decided to give it my all. In turn it’s challenged me to be a better writer, photographer and to be more creative – it’s a challenge I needed.
Find The Positives
In my state of negativity, I was missing all of the wonderful things around me. Sure, being home with my babies was a little lonely, but seriously, I get to spend my days playing at the splash park, walking around the mall drinking a Starbucks with my boys (chocolate milk for them), and just soaking up their wonderfulness. That is such a gift! I had to snap out of it. Like girl, get a hold of yourself. I focused on the beauty of my days with my boys, rather than worry about the things I couldn’t control, or think about how badly I craved adult interaction. I also became fully comfortable with the fact that being with my boys most of the time is a form of success. I don’t need a huge career to be viewed as successful – as my pastor would say, true success is finding what God has planned for you, and doing it. He chose me to be a momma to these boys, and I decided to own it.
Pray
Speaking of God, I I really pressed into Him, because life is just better with Jesus. I prayed all throughout the day, especially when I started to feel a little anxious. Anxiety and fear is not a God thing. I started reading the Bible from beginning to end, which is something I’ve never done. I’ll admit I’m still working on getting through it, but just taking the time to refocus my faith and getting into the word gave/gives me so much peace.
Me Time
Ok, I just said I was lonely, now I want me time? What I mean by that is times were I felt like my old self, not just momma. There was something that made me feel like to be a good mom, all of my attention needed to be on my boys. I literally felt guilty just doing things for my self. I needed times to just be me. My momma self is worried about her boys first and foremost, she’s also a little uptight and edited. In a watch what you say and do kind of way, because they’re always watching and listening. So, I made it a point to do something daily that made me feel, like me. Maybe that was a workout, reading a good book or taking myself out for some Starbucks and some jams during nap time (my littlest loves to take his nap in the car). I made it a point to spend more time with my friends when I could, and get out and meet up with other moms at the park. I’m one of the very few of my friends with children, so play dates weren’t plentiful for me. (Of course now all my friends are having babies left and right!)
I made it a point to spend more time truly focused on my husband. Not just sitting beside him watching TV, or going down some negative rabbit hole on my phone, but really being into him. In turn, his attention was on me, which made me feel like my old self, if that makes sense. Feeling like you’re the couple you were before you had kids is a good feeling. You get what you put in. He really is such a fantastic person, and he deserved my attention as much as I needed his.
Worn in this post: Top | Jeans | Shoes | Sunglasses
Fast forward a year and some change, and I’m back to my old self. It didn’t take me long to start feeling better, the simple mind changes I was making started to work almost immediately. I will add, for me this was very much a negative state of mind I was in, that had a ripple effect on my life. I don’t believe it was clinical anxiety or anything like that, so please don’t take this as a discount to a true struggle that so many people face. I was very hesitant to share and write this post, because I’ll be honest, I didn’t share this very personal thing with many people. However, I know it’s a struggle that a lot of mommas face, so I’m hoping by sharing, if you’re feeling the way I did, you can find some help or maybe just common ground in my story. You’re not alone.
Being a momma is a beautiful thing. Find the balance in it all – and please oh please don’t let worry consume you. You are a good mom, don’t ever think otherwise. Momma don’t lose yourself.
-Brooke
